Funny Status Messages

   ..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button

   Dear twilight fans : Please realise that cause Vampires are dead, and have no blood pumpin through them, they can never get an erection ! Enjoy fantasizing about that !!

   only adding friends that Facebook suggests. If Facebook doesn't think you're worthy of his friendship, X doesn't either !!

   drinks too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   there are two kinds of facebook friends... the kind on FarmVille and the kind you like.

   A lot of peeps these days have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

   When two confused strangers come together they call it love, and when they fully know and understand each other, they call it breakup.

   Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!

   “Final Destination 5" well, looks like someone needs to look up the meaning of the word "FINAL"

   My wife is leaving me because she says I always make stupid comparisons. I feel like a balloon in a glove box..

   Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...

   Some people need to learn that the right to remain silent pertains to posting on Facebook too.

   The problem is not that OBESITY runs in the family.The problem is that NOBODY runs in the family

   I don't call it being lazy. Using texts to get the kids to bring me up more beer is why they call it a smartphone.

   My shoulder just got to 2nd base with the chick who is cutting my hair...

   I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.

   Apparently my microwave has two settings....Cold in the center and Surface of the sun...

   Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.

   UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming.

   If you are the winner of Friday's $500 million Mega Millions jackpot can receive the winnings in one lump sum, yearly installments, or one tank of gas.