Funny Status Messages

   My shoulder just got to 2nd base with the chick who is cutting my hair...

   I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.

   Apparently my microwave has two settings....Cold in the center and Surface of the sun...

   Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.

   UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming.

   If you are the winner of Friday's $500 million Mega Millions jackpot can receive the winnings in one lump sum, yearly installments, or one tank of gas.

   "Whatcha doin' ... Payin' bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." - The Cat

   If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.

   I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach.

   With subpar graphics and no discernable plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played.

   I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home anymore...Definitely time for a new keyboard.

   todays to do list.. 1) buy a sword. 2) name it kindness. 3) kill people with kindness.

   If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

   you will have "im a barbie girl" in your head in 2 seconds.(:

   people will believe anything if you whisper it.

   What happened to Swine Flu?

   its time for you to go now..you've been there to support me and when I couldn't control myself you took the load in your stride, but now after 7 years you've become just too damn clingy....goodbye my sweet little Spiderman underpants...I will miss you

   Whenever people are speaking a different language in front of me, I automatically assume they're talking about me and give them a dirty look just to let them know I'm on to them.

   has been thinking a lot lately. Did I say "thinking"? I meant "drinking."

   ..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button