Funny Status Messages

   How I eat my ramen: 1. Boil water 2. Eat dry ramen noodle block 3. Drink boiling water 4. Snort seasoning packet 5. Cry myself to sleep

   WOW!!! Your profile picture is a car, I never knew you were a transformer.

   I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there's a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...

   I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it

   I went to walmart today... I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof.... This always happens to me.

   I bet cats are pissed they can't sit on televisions anymore.

   The best stories ever told always end with the words"...and then I got the hell out of there."

   I hate those þènîs enhancement emails. I got 10 today. Eight of them were from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mom that really hurt my feelings.

   I will name him George and I will hug him and squeeze him and pet him !!

   A person automatically becomes ten times more attractive when you find out they like you!!!

   Hey, I have an idea. Instead of complaining about your auto-correct every day, how about going into your settings & turning it off?

   I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.

   My neighbor swears he was anally probed by an alien. Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

   you will have "im a barbie girl" in your head in 2 seconds.(:

   people will believe anything if you whisper it.

   What happened to Swine Flu?

   its time for you to go now..you've been there to support me and when I couldn't control myself you took the load in your stride, but now after 7 years you've become just too damn clingy....goodbye my sweet little Spiderman underpants...I will miss you

   Whenever people are speaking a different language in front of me, I automatically assume they're talking about me and give them a dirty look just to let them know I'm on to them.

   has been thinking a lot lately. Did I say "thinking"? I meant "drinking."