Funny Status Messages

   Whoops! Some vodka fell in my glass... Better clean that up...

   I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs or anything but I would have made the iPhone charger about 5 feet longer...

   When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"

   Life caught me caring and punished me accordingly.

   "You've changed" ... No, I think the proper term is "I've stopped trying to please your ass."

   When life hands you lemons, squirt the juice in your eye..the stinging sensation will stop your whining.

   Women like silent men... they think they're listening!

   I killed my twin because he wouldn't admit that he was the evil one.

   I wish people on FB would just write, "I'm dying for attention! Please comment on this!". Instead of all the dramatic posts with only half the situation given.

   I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!

   FACT: Some people will steal your stuff and then help you look for it.

   those who want their child's birthday to fall on 12-12-12 this is the last week to make your efforts.

   the inventor of the remote control died yesterday. As per his wishes, he'll be buried in between 2 couch cushions.

   : Dear Ex, Don't get your hopes up about the pics of us on Facebook. The reason why I haven't deleted some of the photos is purely because I look good in them.

   I'm pretending to be hungover today, so nobody at work gets the wrong impression of me...the last thing I want to be labled is a responsible adult...

   I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from Harry Potter. When your best friend gets the girl, bang his sister instead!

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   I didn't want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

   why do they say that you can't buy friends?! I haven't had a problem with that! It's keeping them after I am broke ...that is the problem!!

   Loving someone means never killing them even if you hear scratchy, high pitched demon voices telling you "it must be done."