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Every guy thinks catching the girl he loves is an amazing accomplishment. Actually, catching the girl is the easy part, keeping her is the real accomplishment. 
I don't drink about you anymore.
This is my cup of care \_/ oh look, IT'S F**KING EMPTY.
It only took 6 drinks but I'm starting to feel the Christmas spirit.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
: Am I the only one who sat in class during high school and imagined what I would do to people if I could stop time?
Greatest txt msg of the day: Wow, I felt guilty this morning when I woke up after the dream I had about you!
The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.
I am thankful for the hide feature on FB.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to get a signal on it's IPhone 4.
Man, that .01% of germs that can't be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad ass sh*t.
Dont you hate it when you realize you have to take a $hit right after you shower
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
My dog was barking at the back door and my wife was yelling at the front door. I always let the dog in first because at least its shuts up when it gets in the house.
I killed my twin because he wouldn't admit that he was the evil one.
I wish people on FB would just write, "I'm dying for attention! Please comment on this!". Instead of all the dramatic posts with only half the situation given.
I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
FACT: Some people will steal your stuff and then help you look for it.
those who want their child's birthday to fall on 12-12-12 this is the last week to make your efforts.
the inventor of the remote control died yesterday. As per his wishes, he'll be buried in between 2 couch cushions.
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