Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   "I tolerate you better than I do anyone else" is the new "I love you."

   If I ever get sent to prison the first thing I'm gonna do is hunt up the tattoo guy and have him put a red aids awareness ribbon on each butt cheek.

   (Glass breaks) Woman: I think someones breaking in! Man: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Woman: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Man: Would you want to be touched with this?

   this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H

   Do you think maybe I could save even more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico didn't waste so much f*cking money on commercials?

   I like my women like I like my turtles. Helpless when they're on their back.

   The only thing more awkward than buying condoms would be returning them.

   "The truth is..." = "Here's a lie I've had some time to work on."

   You know how sometimes you can just tell when someone's had enough of you for one day, so you back off and leave them alone? Me neither.

   No, my friend, you may not borrow a condom because the word borrow implies that you plan to return it.

   So when a woman says "I'm fine" am I supposed to buy flowers, chocolates or both?

   #1 thing to do today: Run into a store and ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!!!" and run out cheering.

   My mother always told me to never quit something I'm good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i'm good at being drunk!

   Hey, look at the bright side... oh I'm sorry, YOU don't have one of those.

   Here's the thing about work: I really don't feel like doing any.

   This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions.

   With the price of printer ink so high, it would probably be more cost-effective to keep a giant aquarium full of squid and harvest my own.

   I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! Nope, it's just not working...

   I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me that it hopes I have a crappy day. :(

   Please tell me again how "Ninja training" is not an acceptable excuse to miss work for the rest of the week??? This is bullsh!t!!!