Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Diamond, Bentley, Pearl, Light Bill, Rent, Car Insurance.

   Women need to learn that "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who are trying to bone you.

   If you ain't ugly in the morning, then you didn't do it right last night!

   You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each others hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people...

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.

   I don't care what your gender is. I'm going to call you "dude" either way.

   I'm collecting every toy that the neighbors kid throws in my yard, I already have tons of Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews this year!

   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

   The world would be a quiet place if we did that whole "think before you speak" thing.

   Women, not all guys talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.

   Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendys back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.

   What are a man's three favorite games? Checker, Chess & Poker. (If you didn't get this say it quickly to yourself)

   If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!"

   The purpose of this status is to let you know that I have nothing to say, but that's not gonna stop me from saying it....

   Guess it's time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.

   I will consider running a half-marathon the first time I see someone smiling while doing it.

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

   Intelligence is like underwear: It's important to have it, but you don't have to show it off...

   Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too.