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SEAN Funny Status Messages
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Page: 6 of 14
Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
51
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01-16-2015 08:31 by
SEAN
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If you're using a shopping cart at the liquor store I'm going to hit on you
34
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01-16-2015 08:28 by
SEAN
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It's tough watching Charlie Brown's Christmas with my dog because both us know he's never won a lights display contest...
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12-26-2014 08:44 by
SEAN
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Recognizing Cuba, bastion of human oppression, is an insult to our noble allies in Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Yemen, Iraq, Pakistan and Texas.
93
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12-22-2014 13:37 by
SEAN
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear..... I'm just fat.
93
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12-22-2014 13:36 by
SEAN
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I think Tampax and Hershey's should get together and offer a super pack....
11
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12-22-2014 13:26 by
SEAN
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I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
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12-02-2014 11:50 by
SEAN
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When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
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12-02-2014 11:50 by
SEAN
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At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can pee all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
30
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12-02-2014 11:49 by
SEAN
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Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
9
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12-02-2014 11:49 by
SEAN
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
35
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12-02-2014 11:48 by
SEAN
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Started my post-Thanksgiving cleanse and I just coughed up several feathers and a pecan pie.
10
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12-02-2014 11:48 by
SEAN
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Giving me a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like bringing vitamins to my funeral.
26
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12-02-2014 11:47 by
SEAN
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If you show up at my party with an acoustic guitar, that thing better be filled with onion dip.
31
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12-02-2014 11:47 by
SEAN
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Thought I was watching a commercial for Grand Theft Auto 5... Turns out I was watching CNN's reporting on Ferguson riots...
66
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11-25-2014 11:49 by
SEAN
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Am I the only one who's ever seen a fat ugly lady at Walmart with 7 screaming kids...and think who keeps doing you!
55
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11-11-2014 09:58 by
SEAN
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I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
34
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11-11-2014 09:04 by
SEAN
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Fair warning to bros calling me a sissy... your face WILL be posted on my Pinterest.
8
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11-08-2014 13:03 by
SEAN
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Statistically you are more likely to die from being in Lynyrd Skynyrd than from Ebola.
33
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11-07-2014 17:26 by
SEAN
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0
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If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
32
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11-07-2014 17:23 by
SEAN
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