SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

   I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.

   I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

   I hate when people see me at the super market & the're like "Hey what you doing here?" & I'm just like "Oh you know hunting zebras"

   When a cop pulls you over for doing 32 in a 30, I dont advise calling him a Nazi, unless you are looking for 3 square meals a day and a shower, fml

   4 shots of 5 hour energy this morning, not only do I look like I have Parkinsons, but I can actually see sound waves resonating when people talk to me.

   My ex offered me a ride to the appointment, I declined and politely told her that I didn't think we would both fit on her broom...

   Had dinner with a girl tonight! Ok so maybe she was on the tv, but we were eating at the same time so I'm counting it.

   Satan came to me today and asked if he frieghtened me, I said no- not in the least bit, I said I used to be married to your sister...

   I love deer season, Especially when I am driving alone in my Blazer , it's amazing how fast I purposely turn into a Comacazi pilot when I see a deer in the middle of the road-

   I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch

   What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house?

   Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.

   Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

   Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.

   Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.

   I'm not a fan of stupid conspiracy theories, but I'm fully aware that Governments slow down time on weekdays & speed it up on weekends.

   Had to take a drug test on my lunch break for my life insurance policy, the lady told me that I passed and asked me why I look so angry, I told her that my dealer has some explaining to do now....

   If you're genuinely surprised about Kim Kardashian getting divorced, I need to tell you something about Santa Claus...

   I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?