Funny Status Messages

   Before I go to sleep, I start imagining stuff that I would like to happen.

   to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I've been turned into a parrot!"

   I think it's safe to admit that my Retirement Plan consists solely of me acquiring a Time Machine and knocking Biff out in the parking lot.

   i feel like a jerk. I just laughed at a life alert commercial.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant

   "Do you have a cell phone?" You might as well be asking me if I have a pulse.

   Getting some cans of gas to make this years homemade fireworks show more entertaining.

   Visa is everywhere you want to be…except out of debt.

   I think my memory must be made up of at least 90% song lyrics...

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   Facebook Commandment II: Thou shalt not be caught taking a photo of thyself in the bathroom mirror and posting on FB or thou shall be slapped!

   I'm not sure about you, but when someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.

   thinks sometimes it's fun to ask someone how they are but then before they can respond say, "Anyway" and change the subject.

   was editing my profile and couldnt figure whether to put masturbation under activites or interests.

   when I go bowling I like to let my fingers do the walking and my balls do the talking.

   I've noticed that my usage of profanity increases when I play pacman

   Woke up with a sore neck. It seems my memory foam has amnesia.

   Im not as smart as a 5th grader ...but I think I could kick the shi%t out of one of them..!!!!

   Tone Loc accused of domestic violence???...gonna be gettin' served that Funky Cold Subpoena...