Funny Status Messages

   70% of my enemies were once my friends.

   The older you get, the harder it gets to find someone willing to share a horse costume with you.

   So the Chantix commercial says to call your doctor immediately if you experience a siezure...Is it just me or would it be pretty difficult to pick up the phone and dial while shaking violently?

   Debt doesn't buy happiness either.

   a show called the view shouldn't hurt your eyes

   I'm at my most badass when I'm popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.

   The Walking Dead could have saved a ton of money if they would have filmed in Detroit due to the fact It looks like a herd of walkers already walked through it.

   You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.

   My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them

   The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.

   When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

   Anyone who's says, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", has obviously never gone through a divorce.

   Thanksgiving is almost here.Dont forget to stock up your medicine cabinet with marbles, for all your sneaky relatives.

   Afternoon drinking game: Watch Maury & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".

   So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.

   I think I'll save these pain killers for when I'm feeling better.

   Women are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.

   My phone just autocorrected "Haha" to "Jaja" so I guess I'm Mexican now.

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan

   I like to leave random messages like "I'm pregnant -- Call me" on random car windshields in the shopping mall parking lot.