Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

   The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.

   There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.

   You're on a horse being chased by two lions. You're behind an elephant and next to a giraffe. What do you do? You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want."

   Dear Santa, I was framed.

   If you don't do foolish things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile about when you're old.

   The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving... It must have something to do with being naked.

   If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... oh wait, he does.

   I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White's heroin addiction.

   Thank you Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!!!

   I don't hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.

   Why is it always the least attractive people who post pictures of themselves daily? No, I do not "heart" your duck face.

   In honor of those who would if they could… I'm going back to bed.

   I'm proud of my decision to never attempt to run any marathon.

   Immediately updating your relationship status on Facebook after a fight for the 10th time this week is annoying, cut it out.

   Relationships would be great if it wasn't for all those feelings.

   If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts...