Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The only worse thing than 'the one that got away' is the one that won't leave me alone.

   I wonder how many people have gone to their deaths thinking, "Any minute now, they'll take off this blindfold and I'll be in a Febreze commercial."

   I liked you a lot more before I met you.

   Too often we want what we cant have... but those who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want.

   Without women, life would be a pain in the ass. If you don't get this, you're too young to be on Facebook.

   My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Yo, I can't fcking sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

   I'm wondering how many calories my dog burns carrying each mouthful of her dog food all the way from the kitchen into the living room to eat it, then going back to the kitchen to get more. Maybe I should do that.

   Ringing in the "New Year" apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late... in October.

   I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.

   I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.

   If my plane is about to crash, I doubt I'll be using my seat as a "flotation device." More likely, it's gonna be used as a toilet.

   I consider myself to be a "political atheist" because I don't believe anything politicians say.

   Don't worry, some people are their own punishment in life.

   I am conducting a survey to see who is the most awesome person on Facebook. To find out who it is read the first two words of this status.

   Try explaining the Biggest Loser to Ethopians: "See we have soo much food we actually have a contest to see who can stop eating so much of it!" ...

   Can we please stop calling them 'hipsters' and go back to calling them 'pu$$ies?'

   Dear Gangsta, While the prime "cap" is indeed a very important part of the cartridge it will actually be the bullet that you pop in my ass. Just thought you should know.

   An "open relationship" is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know.

   24 hours in a day... Except on Monday. That b*tch has at least 50.

   Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer...