Funny Status Messages

   Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.

   Definitions: It is an "Asteroid" when traveling through space. It becomes a "Meteor" once it enters Earth's atmosphere. It is a "Meteorite" once it hits the ground. And it is "holymotherofgodwhatthehelljusthappened?!?" if it hits anywhere near you.

   I have no super powers. I'm guessing I'm the villain.

   Losing weight is not working for me, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.

   I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops.

   Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can't figure out how to escape with all the windows down?

   Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?

   Scenes from "The Exorcist" could have been filmed in my car while I'm stuck in traffic.

   70% of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk tou your doctor about Cymbalta.

   I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.He said, "Sarah... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   I've never lost a water balloon fight since I started freezing the water balloons beforehand.

   as confused as a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

   Did Greek sculptors make their subjects stand outside in the cold, or have penises just gotten a lot bigger since the ancient times? Either way, trips to the museum always boost my ego."

   Ladies, men are not that hard to figure out. They are a lot like carpet tiles… If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

   It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

   I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville...WTF!

   wished I could teach you.... but you cant teach "awesomeness," so just hang out in the back and watch me work!

   Would Like To Personally Thank VH1 and MTV. For helping the White Trash of America with jobs during these down economic times with the shows Jersey Shore, Tool Academy, And 16 And Pregnant..... Way To Stimulate Our Minds And Economy.

   My name is_____ and I can never find a key chain with my name on it...