Funny Status Messages

   I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville...WTF!

   wished I could teach you.... but you cant teach "awesomeness," so just hang out in the back and watch me work!

   Would Like To Personally Thank VH1 and MTV. For helping the White Trash of America with jobs during these down economic times with the shows Jersey Shore, Tool Academy, And 16 And Pregnant..... Way To Stimulate Our Minds And Economy.

   My name is_____ and I can never find a key chain with my name on it...

   I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.He said, "Sarah... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   I've never lost a water balloon fight since I started freezing the water balloons beforehand.

   as confused as a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

   If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.

   I just gave a cow $5 and it didn't do anything. Cow tipping isn't as much fun as everyone says it is!!

   Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey's kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey's kisses? I'll keep testing.

   The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Every man hopes to marry a nymphomaniac; but in many marriages, after a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.

   It's a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.

   Definitions: It is an "Asteroid" when traveling through space. It becomes a "Meteor" once it enters Earth's atmosphere. It is a "Meteorite" once it hits the ground. And it is "holymotherofgodwhatthehelljusthappened?!?" if it hits anywhere near you.

   Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?

   Scenes from "The Exorcist" could have been filmed in my car while I'm stuck in traffic.

   70% of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk tou your doctor about Cymbalta.

   I have no super powers. I'm guessing I'm the villain.