Funny Status Messages

   When I'm done using a unisex bathroom I leave the seat halfway up....never know who is coming in after me

   A man walks into a bar. He says to the bartender..... "Ow".

   If zombie's were dyslexic everyone named Brian would be in trouble

   Every time you lick a 9 volt, battery, you lick every person that's licked that 9 volt battery.

   Sure, I've got buns of steel. Just look in the breadbox.

   If god is a dj, life is a dancefloor, love is a rhythm, you are the music, you get what you are given it's all how you use it and god wants you to shake your ass!

   It may be surprising to know that hippos are the cause of more deaths in the wild than any other animal, but you can't say you weren't warned just how hungry they were.

   Dogs see that their owner provides them with food, shelter and caters to their every need and they think "He must be God." Cats see that their owner provides them with food, shelter and caters to their every need and they think "I must be God."

   The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.

   Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.

   needs some fresh air and regrets the decision to let the cat lick up the spilled Fiber One yogurt.

   I think the world would be way cooler if we would have domesticated the bear instead the horse. Oh you pranced around, jumped a stick and ate some hay? Big deal, my bear just ate a hobo, paw'd a bee hive then roared so hard deaf people heard it.

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil

   UGA 55, LA Lafayette 7...looks like BP wasn't the only ones to screw LA this summer.

   If it ain't broke, ask it for five dollars.

   "I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."

   girls are like square roots. If they're under 15 you just do them in your head

   a nite with me is like giving a gun to a 6yr old...you don't know how its gonna end, but you know it's gonna make the papers!

   a pant-busting crush on you.

   Happy bday beyonce the only singer to b almost 30 nd not pregnant