Funny Status Messages

   Never date a girl whose father calls her "Princess." Chances are.. she believes it

   I know that roses are expensive but $80 for a dozen? Thats a lot of money for a plant you can't smoke.

   If you want to find a missing person, put their pictures on cigarettes. Smokers are the only ones standing outside in all kinds of weather.

   The gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately the line at Dunkin Donuts was shorter than usual. I love New Year's resolutions...

   **Warning** It turns out Farmville is a virus that will eat your life away. Side effects are all your friends hate you because of your tacky updates & you're getting fatter from sitting online all day playing. Delete it ASAP and stop being a Tool.

   Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can't believe kids this age are already so polite.

   When people ask me "Plz" because it's shorter than "Please" I tell them "No" because it's shorter than "Yes."

   Sometimes when I play a game on my computer ,the screen goes dark . and I see my own reflection in the screen and wonder what I am doin with my life ..then the next level starts.

   i'm not saying i'm batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?

   I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

   I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!

   If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

   New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....

   Um...Food Network? Um, could you have a program that shows folks how to make fried chicken, meat loaf, mashed potatoes and things like that? Some of us don't like Duck's A$$ in Radicchio and Lobster Nutsack Glaze.

   Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.

   People who spread their germs make me sick.

   When I leave a store without buying anything all I can think is “act natural, you're innocent”.

   Do you ever go on Youtube just to watch a music video and then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?

   HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE: It takes 24,637 BOLTS to put a car together, but only one NUT to spread it all over the road. Don't Drink & Drive! 

   Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.