Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

   I don't like how Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" I usually just lie and live with the guilt.

   Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You can always tell she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you.

   Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.

   Sometimes when I'm scrolling through the Facebook news feed... I come across a really good status... and I think... now this guy is awesome... just as I'm about to like it... I'm like...oh wait that ones mine!!!

   Funny how Facebook has turned druggies, hoes, and fakes into motivational speakers...

   If you post drama filled status updates about “cleaning out your friend's list” ...you can start with me.

   anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?

   Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people, "Everybody But Me."

   The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

   The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.

   I am tired of all the jokes making fun of the women gymnast because they have no boobs! They can bend over backwards and do splits, So........... CHECK MATE!

   Being a virgin in this day of age is something to be proud of. It is like being a unicorn!

   My curiosity and common sense are arguing again.

   Dear credit card company, Your endless calls are a waste of both your time and mine. If you were dumb enough to approve me for a credit card at the height of my alcoholism... be smart now and realize my sober ass isn't payin' you sh!t.

   Only 64 more cartons and I get my FREE Marlboro casket!

   Happy Birthday forever to everyone on Facebook!! Whew, glad I got that out of the way.

   Show me a person who can be trusted with a laser pointer, and I will show you someone whose soul has died.

   It's true we don't know what we've got until its gone, but we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

   If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!