Funny Status Messages

   "You're not fat darling, it’s just that you’re… very easy to see."

   My wife bought me an adult coloring book. I need a bigger variety of flesh colored crayons

   Why don't keyboards have a ".com" key on them now? Come on nerds!

   Nothing says IDGAF more than an old woman playing the slots in the casino while wearing an oxygen tube and smoking a cigarette

   Life was a lot easier when I believed in Santa Claus. . .

   For the next Season of Survivor.... call my gun range shooting wife fat!

   So like, you know that tag on a mattress that says "Not to be removed under penalty of law?" Well guess what I just did? I don't care man, I'm a rebel. They can come and get me.

   I don't care about self driving cars. . . What I really want is a self FLYING car.

   DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 2 GUYS THAT STOLE A CALENDER ? THEY BOTH GOT 6 MONTHS!!!

   my yard is so white it got nominated for an Academy Award

   WHO'S PAYING FOR THE WALL!?!?!? It's : Mexico Mexic Mexi Mex Me.

   Before any President of America visits any foreign country, he relies on CIA intel for his security while abroad. I am not trying to put any ideas in CIA people's head but...

   I need to lose weight. When I sweat, I'm like a side of pork basting in its own juices.

   let the President Elect do his thing...The American people will rise up and tell him what they want!

   Always borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. ~ Steven Wright

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE BUTTERCUP.

   Once you go black, that frost bitten toe's gotta come off

   The truth about 9/11: it equals 0.81818182

   Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.

   Loofah sponge instructions: 1. Wet before use 2. Use once 3. Hang to dry as shower decoration for the rest of your life.