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   messageicon You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 07:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
←Rate | 07-14-2020 15:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I ever choke to death on Gummy Bears, please make sure it goes on record that I was killed by Bears.
←Rate | 07-16-2020 14:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Walmart Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?... Me: Well, I couldn't find-..... Cashier: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don't actually care.
←Rate | 10-30-2016 14:27 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you do good deeds and post them on facebook, they're not good deeds anymore, they're self promotion .
←Rate | 11-24-2016 17:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”
←Rate | 11-26-2016 03:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?
←Rate | 12-13-2016 04:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.
←Rate | 12-14-2016 05:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My favorite form of gratification is instant.
←Rate | 12-16-2016 13:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
←Rate | 12-22-2016 09:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Children's berry flavored delsym on the rocks... For when you're sick but still want a drink to sip on.
←Rate | 01-26-2017 19:00 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm going to paint one side of my car red and the other side blue. That way, if I'm in a accident all the witness will contradict each other.
←Rate | 03-01-2017 07:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Almost time to play my favorite Spring time game....'Guess how deep that pothole really is.'
←Rate | 03-07-2017 19:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 09:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 01:51 by Zinc Comments (0)  


   messageicon The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.
←Rate | 03-17-2017 13:18 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.
←Rate | 03-20-2017 18:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
←Rate | 03-25-2017 10:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "claims he worked like a dog"......i must be getting ripped off because my dog doesnt do any work at all around the house
←Rate | 03-28-2017 23:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
←Rate | 07-22-2020 12:39 Comments (0)  



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