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I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas. Why don't they tell you these things in advance?
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10-12-2017 08:07
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[first date] she: i'm a cat person me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*
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10-16-2017 02:43
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Me: *cutting fingernails* Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
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10-10-2019 06:10
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We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying
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10-12-2019 10:39
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WD-40 is an essential oil.
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12-16-2019 06:33
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I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
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10-17-2019 05:53
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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back
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10-18-2019 06:56
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Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
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12-06-2019 10:37
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Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.
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12-05-2019 13:53
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HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents
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12-05-2019 13:52
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The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.
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12-05-2019 09:06
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My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...
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12-05-2019 08:57
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A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.
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12-03-2019 13:50
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Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist.
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11-21-2019 21:56
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My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.
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01-13-2020 09:16
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Yesterday was a great day. The mailman delivered to me a Three Dog Night cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
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01-30-2020 07:05
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It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.
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02-04-2020 12:17
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Bees build homes with their mouths and defend with their butts. Spiders build homes with their butts and defend with their mouths.
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02-04-2020 12:24
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Saying someone has a dry sense of humor implies the existence of wet senses of humor.
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02-04-2020 12:26
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You picture a lot more hair when you hear "Hair" as opposed to hearing "Hairs".
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02-04-2020 12:27
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