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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants. 
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right? – Me, bra shopping
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My five stages of waking up: 1)Denial 2)Denial 3)Denial 4)Denial 5)Extreme hostility
Her: do you have protection? MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”
Just heard that flies spread disease. I always keep mine zipped.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Executioner: Any last words Me: No, I’m – My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Wait…was it my left or your left? -me as a surgeon
Anyone going early Black Friday shopping after the elections?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money. Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Going to spend the weekend cleaning in case Publisher's Clearinghouse shows up at my door with TV cameras and a check.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My favorite state to visit? Unconsciousness
For now on, should United airlines lose a passengers baggage. That passenger has a right to kick a$$ on one of their employees. . .
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