Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   officially changing her TV remote's name to Waldo.

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better.

   If you don't like being tailgated, then don't play movies I like.

   's favourite fruit is grapes. With grapes, you always get another chance. If you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.

   Q: What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? A: Roberto.

   Guess Lesnar should have feared more then just the Diarrhea from Mexico

   literally there are some of you I want to hit in the face with a book, oh my god.

   how ironic would it be to choke on a lifesaver?

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

   Hint: if someone asks you if you "have a sec", answer "I have lots of secs", and they will forget their original question.

   After watching Final Destination, I now have visions. I won't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and roti.

   WARNING: Facebook contains traces of nuts.

   If Abe Vigoda adopted Dakota Fanning, the resulting name would be funny.

   Heart palpitations count as cardio, right?

   ‎10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy.

   If you say "beer can" with a British accent, you can say "bacon" with a Jamaican accent.

   Here's a helpful hint: the fastest way to get a hold of a live person is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   Reports show that $22 billion in productivity is lost to social media, but I'm pretty sure people slacked off before Facebook.

   thinks the “8″ in “Kate Plus 8″ refers to the remaining viewers.

   dropped my car off for an ice cream paint job, but they messed up and got it CLEAN on the inside and CREAM on the outside. Idiots.