Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   93% of the internet is people noticing things in the background of photos.

   Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.

   Honestly, I don't get the whole "sandwich after sex" thing. I either want to go to sleep or watch "Archer" reruns.

   Could say we ate Velveeta sandwiches because we grew up poor, but, nah, we just liked ‘em.

   FACT: You could also be burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials for telling that dumb "what do you call a witch at the beach" joke.

   Don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

   Do they make Three Martini Lunchables?

   We broke free from England to elect a sociopathic reality star or a compulsively lying epitome of PMS for President. Bang up job, America.

   Shazam but for strangers who recognize you in public.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone in the best Hallowen party idea ever!!!

   Candy corn is just regular corn that has daddy issues, smokes Marlboros, and has a kid out of wedlock with a guy named Bo.

   Italian bread is just like regular bread but it's gold chain gets stuck in its chest hair while it blows out your kneecaps.

   The person who invented winking was definitely a little sketchy.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone is the best Halloween party idea ever!!!

   Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

   If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember...you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.

   Fun fact: orange amoebas have small minds, small hands and no gentalia.

   If Hillary wins the White House, I'm moving to a country that will be considerably more safe: Yemen.

   Brace yourselves it's Harley Quinn weekend!

   Please, Hillary. Please drop the fock ded.