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My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. 
Post George Carlin quotes...crickets. Post Saget quotes...a ticker tape parade ensues.
OK ...... Somebody wake up the guy from Green Day ..... September just ended .....
OK .... You know your life is shallow if Chick - Fill - A is a major concern in your life
I know women like "bad boys" but this Build a Bear Workshop coupon is going to expire soon so that's where we are going on our first date.
We bought this house because it has a perfect spot for the pile of clean socks.
Occasionally drop a headband in the trash, hoping a raccoon will find it and try it on.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
If I met an alien I'd get him some Dippin' Dots because that would impress him with our planet's science, and also I just like them.
Pretty proud of myself. Finished a TicTac without biting into it.
The best part of fall is dropping the gardening charade.
I'd rather lose the game than get Gatorade dumped on me.
Wearing a football jersey to Buffalo Wild Wings is dad cosplay.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Bad news guys, candy corn doesn't count as a vegetable because technically corn is a grain.
The year is 2027. Thousands of missing women are unable to be found because they look nothing like the pictures they post on the Internet.
One time I used essential oils and after 7-10 days my cold was gone, it was incredible.
I crash my bike every time I ride it to the pharmacy to pick up pain meds I need for all the injuries from my crashes. It's a vicious cycle.
No one wants to watch your Facebook live video from your crappy seats at a football game.
One fun thing about parenthood is being woken up at 5:30 AM on Saturday to discuss Halloween costumes with a 4 year old.
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