Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Saw a guy wearing shorts with suspenders and black socks with sandals and realized I'll never be that confident.

   What to exercise today? Spots hottie in shorts. Gets on random machine nearby. Carefully follows her around gym.

   Always hope I'm the first person somebody calls when they need help moving so they have more people to call when I decline.

   "Nobody eats just one bowl of Skittles. I should know." -Chris Christie

   To this day I can't drink a third cup of coffee without thinking of Jessie Spano and the caffeine pill damage of 1990.

   Just saying if the NFL has any balls at all, Corey Feldman will be the Super Bowl halftime show.

   Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to divorce. They've already adopted a team of lawyers.

   Angelina Jolie has filed for a divorce from Brad Pitt. Does that mean they will go back to working as independent assassins?

   For some reason, whenever I'm taking clothes out of the dryer, I have the urge to start singing "You gotta know when to Hold em', know when to Fold em'.....know when to walk away, know when to run....."

   Angelina Jolie adopted a few lawyers and put Brad Pitt up for adoption.....

   My wife, whose almost deaf wants a kid. She went to the doctor and he said she has a fissure in her uterus and if she had a baby it's be a miracle. She thought he said she had a fish in her uterus and if she had a baby it's be a mackerel.

   Democrats want to raise the min wage for two reasons: 1) more votes, and 2) more tax dollars. They know it will only raise prices, making it worthless. They also know most min wage earners don’t know this…

   Remember, you can see something or you saw something. You can't seen something...

   So North Korea only has 28 websites. Well we just have Facebook. Wait you mean there are more?

   With Hillary dropping in the polls, everyone needs to stop telling the truth about her as soon as possible if she is going to win

   Before you give up in life, remember that the hair in your anus grows despite it's environment. So stay strong and never give up.

   It may be raining now but it will brighten up later on today. What time are you available?

   Who is this Feat. person and why does he appear on so many songs?

   Don't listen to Billy Joel's piano man. It turns out that making love to your Tonic & Gin will get you thrown out of the bar.

   I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.