Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Brock Turner launching a "Drinking and Promiscuity" speaking tour is like Bill Cosby launching a "Roofies and Asking for It" sleep clinic.

   Did you know the NFL has announced they'll pledge $100 million to prevent player concussions; still no word on preventing their wives concussions.

   The best threesome is two chocolate chip cookies sandwiching ice cream.

   Wonder what the electric eel was called, before electricity was invented.

   What I really seek is a career where I can combine my three main strengths as a worker: sulking, sighing and complaining about management.

   Other Classic Jimmy Fallon Bits: 1) Coyishly rubbing oil on Putin's bare chest. 2) Playing footsie with Saddam Hussein. 3) Tugging Osama's beard.

   Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $8.13 in change.

   When you see a Snowden movie directed by Oliver Stone, do the theater ushers hand out tin foil hats instead of 3D glasses?

   The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it's because they're crazy.

   Staying focused is very challenging when there's so much porn on the Internet.

   I never broke up with my summer camp fling....technically we're still dating. My commitment issues are over!

   Driving 42 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 2 miles from my house is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.

   Things I like about Autumn is slipping on a leaf that was hiding a piece of dog poop beneath it. Love that!!!

   First Law of Holes is: If you are in one .... Stop Digging.

   Hmmmm Learned today that the Obama Administration has given Mexico $75 Million to build a wall along Mexico's Southern Border!!! Question: What part of "We need to secure the AMERICAN Border" does Mr. Obama and Hillary NOT understand?

   Gary Johnson 2016 #FeelTheJohnson

   Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

   Been watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy....

   Why does Ashton Kutcher always look like he's withholding valuable information?

   Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.