Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When I die, I want to be buried alive.

   so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

   sending a text message and sitting the phone between their legs on vibrate..

   Where would the world be without music?

   helping senior Citizens...one Cougar at a time.....

   Lethal Weapon 5.

   I don't know about you but putting the Kardashian's on a credit card to promote financial responsability makes as much sense as getting a nun to be a spokes woman for a condom company.

   my neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.

   Our company had a chili cook-off today at 11:30. The "crop dusting" began about 2 hours later

   Finds most Christians treat their bible like computer software. They just scroll down the terms and conditions without reading it and click 'I agree.'

   it just me or is anyone else forced to feed their evil dust bunnies that live under there bed??

   how do you keep a little dog from humping your leg? Tape a photo of ur mom on ur kneecap.

   That's a low blow - and talking of low blows, how's your mother?

   Some advice guys: If your girlfriend is working out in your living room apartment, & there's a knock at the door from the tenant beneath you asking if there's live animals in the apartment, answering "pretty much" isn't such a good idea.

   This may look easy to you, but I assure you your mother is even easier.

   A happy ending is only an asian massage parlor away.

   you should probably just let your "Honor Student" drive. You are obviously an idiot.

   Aren't you ever tired of having yourself around??

   When the patient was asked if he had had a good night he answered that he'd slept as soundly as the nurse on night duty.

   not here right now. if you'd like to reach me on my cell phone, please buy me a cell phone.