Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   As a parent 40% of your time raising a teenager is threatening to take their bedroom door off the hinges....

   Pokemon Go is coming to the new Apple Watch, which should double the speed at which I no longer care about either.

   If Matt Lauer asks Tim Tebow about Aleppo it could break the internet.

   Nordstrom is a Swedish word that means “1 for the price of 2.”

   I feel bad for whichever government employee has to monitor me, as me vacuuming alone looks like a movie directed by David Lynch.

   You don't have to brush your teeth nearly as often when you're in a long distance relationship.

   High School In 5 Words: Wore helmet. Didn't play football.

   ITT Tech shutting down, which is a bad sign for other fake schools like University of Phoenix, Devry University, or Texas A&M.

   My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S.

   Really hate crime but I love true crime docs so I'm at a real impasse here.

   Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.

   I've seen a lot of great photos of babies in my life, so if you want my "like" on Facebook you better bring it.

   I ordered 2 venti coffees from Starbucks for myself tonight so now I'm the new face of addiction.

   So I guess Wells Fargo bank is hiring in case you need a job and don't hate your life enough already.

   My kid is getting bottom braces on today and said I should give her $80 to make up for the pain. She'll make a great attorney someday.

   Wish I could hate eating dinner as much as I hate cooking dinner.

   My daughter just made her Jr High volleyball team. If these moms are anything like the cheer moms I'm going to need more roofies.

   The wife of a friend of mine just had their baby in the hospital parking lot in case you're looking for money saving tips.

   Stupid dog keeps eating the cat food but I don't have the heart to tell her it's not actually made out of cats.

   Never question my career choices more than when I'm on a large conference call with people who don't know when to mute their phone.