Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid

   I never turn down email offers, currently my male genitals are 200 feet long.

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number, I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

   Amazed to hear Hooter's had a free wings for mom on Mother's Day because nothing makes mom prouder than letting her know she raised a cheapskate and a perv.

   If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

   Congratulations Leonardo DiCaprio you are now qualified to do Lincoln Town Car commercials!!!

   Well well well teddy bear at CVS not looking so smug now that you're 75% off.

   Facebook Memories: Here's you and your ex-boyfriend walking your dead dog! PS- It's from the year your dad left.

   Just saw a hipster carrying around a phone booth.

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   In 2015 Colorado collected $125 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

   Love Halloween, seeing all the monsters and the scary imagery. Then I turn off the campaign ads and wait for the trick-or-treaters.

   Million Dollar Idea: Batting gloves you don't have to adjust and tighten every 30 seconds.

   Playing dice with squirrels in parks is strictly prohibited.

   YOLO is solely responsible for 75% of all teen pregnancies this year.

   You add me to your mailing list without my permission or knowledge and now I have to go through your 10 step process to unsubscribe myself if I don’t want to continue receiving your spam?

   I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

   I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

   In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........