Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Budweiser has rebranded itself as simply "America" this summer because "Fermented Garbage Water" wraps too far around the can.

   Just call Weight Watchers frozen meals what they really are, appetizers.

   I refuse to tell cashiers how my day is.....

   I'm not a gold digger, I just know you can't spell finance without fiancé.

   What the next three generations will be called: 1) Post-millennials. 2) Generation Z. 3) Mutant crabs picking over irradiated debris.

   Let's raise a glass to my whininess. Too bad it's not wineiness.

   What happens between a man and a McChicken should stay between that man and the McChicken....

   When our baby craps her diaper, my wife says, "she made daddy a present" so now our 4 year old brings me his turds...

   Couple beside me in the restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.

   Wondering if Quentin Tarantino is directing 2016?!?!

   The Burger King Whopperrito, because it's time to face your crippling depression head on.

   When I die, I'd like my remains scattered along the beach. That said, I do not want to be cremated.

   Ryan Lochte looks like he has a trophy case for his medals and a separate one for his Adrian Grenier autographed DVD of the Entourage movie.

   Tim Kaine seems like he starts decorating his house for Halloween in August.

   Did you know, The Peoples Court theme was plagiarized from the threesome scene in the 70's porn film Debbie Does Dallas.

   Johnny Depp is like that cool guy you looked up to in high school until you went over to his house and saw his night light.

   "Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of kittens"

   Life Update: There are more empty Slurpee cups in my apartment than books.

   Miss the old Big Mac styrofoam containers, they made the best coffins for hamsters.

   Thanks Nerds for reminding me its "Doctor", not "Dr" Who; also, I probably made out with your sister at a Motley Crue concert, so shut up!!!