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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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Never done CrossFit but I have chased my shopping list through a windy parking lot before.
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08-27-2016 14:25
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A lady down the street is hand-feeding a Yorkie in a baby stroller, if you want to meet the specific dog who has a better life than you do.
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08-27-2016 14:26
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In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group selfie photo.
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08-27-2016 14:28
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The plants outside of your office are plotting to rescue the plants inside your office. Their plan just takes 1000 years.
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08-27-2016 14:28
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It's only once you're a little older and wiser that you realize the "one that got away" was a jean jacket you left at a guy's house in 2003.
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08-27-2016 14:30
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If anyone makes a movie of this Ryan Lochte story, please call it Double Jeahpardy.
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08-27-2016 14:31
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Probably cure 60% of depressed teens just by showing them pics of what the cool kids I went to school with look like now.
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08-27-2016 14:32
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Before social media, what did people who desperately crave attention do? Did they have to contribute something of importance to humankind?
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08-27-2016 14:33
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Sorry I'm late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
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08-27-2016 14:35
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Always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
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08-27-2016 14:36
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Nobody wakes up and thinks, "If I play my cards just right today, by 9:05 PM I'll be eating ice cream straight from the carton with a fork."
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08-27-2016 14:37
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Don't get in a relationship with someone before knowing what voices they use around babies and pets.
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08-27-2016 14:38
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When my first instinct was to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid hitting a squirrel, I realized I might not be part of God's elite squad.
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08-27-2016 14:39
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I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
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08-27-2016 14:40
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I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."
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08-27-2016 14:41
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If I was in a car with James Corden and he turned on the radio, I would open the door and get out while the car was still moving.
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08-27-2016 14:42
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Someone described their church as a place to go when they're lost and searching for answers. That's how I feel about the grocery store.
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08-27-2016 14:43
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Rule #35 Of Cleaning A Fridge: Even if you didn't buy broccoli two months ago, there is two-month-old broccoli in the back.
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08-27-2016 14:44
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Before Marriage, Always Agree On The Big Issues: 1) Money. 2) Faith. 3) Please don't play your Steely Dan records. 4) Kids. 5) No, I'm serious about the Steely Dan.
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08-27-2016 14:47
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I have NO idea who James Corden is, but I would'nt drive with him.
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08-27-2016 15:26
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