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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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Paul Manafort and Vladimir Putin walk into a Russian vodka bar. There's no joke. It's just business.
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08-15-2016 22:43
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Nothing can equate to the horror of looking a wheelchair bound person in the eye as you finally exit the handicapped stall.
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08-15-2016 22:46
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Things I Have Going For Me: I farted just as my boss walked out of the room so everyone thinks it was him.
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08-15-2016 22:47
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My salary does not come close to matching the level of busyness I fake at work.
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08-15-2016 22:48
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A leaf blower is specifically designed to make your problem someone else’s.
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08-15-2016 22:50
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Teens spend 72% of their time on their phones and 28% of their time on other people's phones.
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08-15-2016 22:52
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If I had a gold medal, I'd tell people I won it in the Mugging Gold Medalists event.
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08-15-2016 22:54
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Your soulmate is currently working their way through several other soulmates before they finally get to you.
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08-15-2016 23:17
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Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to "stay"....
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08-15-2016 23:18
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The Story Of Milk: Good milk. Bad milk. Disgusting milk. Dangerous milk. Cheese! I love a happy ending.
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08-15-2016 23:21
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"Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday." -Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
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08-15-2016 23:22
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My relationships are much like pro wrestling matches - the outcomes are predetermined and there's a good chance I'll get hit with a chair.
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08-15-2016 23:47
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They should make daytime TV illegal. That way the lazy lib club will have nothing to do and may decide to actually get a job.
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08-16-2016 11:11 by
Del Monaco and the Well Dones
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When it comes to toilet water,, I don't think it's the taste that keeps my dog coming back.... Maybe It's the free refills
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08-16-2016 12:58
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I'm surprised the man in the yellow hat still allows that monkey to ever leave the house.
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08-16-2016 15:28
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Milk chocolate and dark chocolate is the difference between happy and sad.
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08-16-2016 15:31
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Love to collect call people randomly, just to remind them that that is somehow still a thing.
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08-16-2016 15:32
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Not now, weird Joan Armitrading song on my iPod.
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08-16-2016 15:33
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Guy in the restroom called me "pretty" and the best comeback I could think of was "yeah you too."
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08-16-2016 15:35
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Bet the dinosaurs ate chicken nuggets shaped like humans.
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08-16-2016 15:38
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