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When she starts "first of all "in the middle of an argument,just give up, she has won already as she is gonna bring up stuff from 10 years back 
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Just found out AT&T stands for Atlantic Telephone and Telegraph. I think my internet is connected to the telegraph side.
My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary.
BREAKING: FBI finds John Wilkes Booth "extremely careless" in discharge of firearm.
In Jurassic World, they were able to train raptors. Still not as impressive as the Flintstones convincing a bird to be their record player.
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends
There's a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It's like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn't say why.
I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap.
It used to be only captured criminals covered their faces with their jackets... Now it's people telling pollsters how they're going to vote.
The man in the toilet stall next to me sounds like he’s pushing a car up a hill and not making any headway.
I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."
.... Isn't it curious that Hillary's health narrative went from "Stop the Conspiracy Theories" to "Hillary is perfectly healthy, stop being sexist" to "FDR had Polio and was a good President" in less than 12 hours?
I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don't care about being healthy and smelling clean."
.. To make sure they will arrive on time, I'm mailing my Christmas cards now.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
If you can't afford to tip your food delivery drivers working in the pandemic maybe you should try to save some money by eating at home.
Does anyone know if we have any wiggle room when it comes to the 6ft distances rule? 