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How To Tell If Your Kid Is Doing Drugs: 1. Are your drugs missing?!?! 
I don't appreciate how quickly you agree when I admit that I'm imperfect.
Wish the girls who rejected me in High School could see how many Pokemon I've caught.
Always buy those nonprofit charity run tshirts from Goodwill so people will think I care about stuff.
I have nothing in common with people who wash, dry, fold and put their laundry away the same day.
Getting hyped for the weekend is soooo mainstream.
August is National Catfish Month. Some of you should celebrate.
Miss the 1980's, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before Mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
At this very moment, somewhere in America, a black Prius is slowing someone down in the fast lane.
Pretty sure the guy who drives the train at the children's park spends much of his day wondering what went wrong.
Driver's Ed doesn't prepare you for the heartache of never finding out if the fry you dropped between the seats was the best one in the box.
Please disregard my one Sharpie eyebrow. There was a gray hair incident I'd rather not speak of.
Everyone says they're going to move to Canada if their candidate doesn't win, what the hell is wrong with Mexico?
Hillary Clinton should be the first f-president. I was going to say female but somebody deleted the 'emale'.
Antibiotics could be considered a performance enhancing drug at this year's Olympics.
It's okay password, I'm insecure too...
I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.
You're only as stupid as the idiot you're arguing with....
Dinner by candlelight: for her it's romantic, for me it's about shadow puppets.
Writing silly jokes here instead of calling my parents to find out how they've been these past 3 months. Am I still in the running for the Child Of The Year award?
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