Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Hillary Clinton. A modern-day Hood Robin. Robs from the poor to give to herself

   Working in an office at a desk is very bad for your heart. To combat this, walk outside and take a smoking break as much as possible.

   If my boss interrupts my nap one more time I'm going to HR.

   I will throw an old lady in front of me to avoid being seen by someone I know at the grocery store.

   Kids these days call it "Pokemon Go" I used to call it "dropping a little too much acid and chasing the neighborhood cat around".

   Watched Ant-Man today. Now I'm hoping the roach I flushed down the toilet wasn't on some kind of secret mission.

   Jill Stein and Jenny McCarthy walk into a bar. They spend the entire night trying to talk people out of doing shots.

   Did you know Sharknado 4 is the most scientifically accurate movie ever made.

   Whenever I eat pizza I look like a rabid dog that's snorted 4 lines of coke.

   Baskin Robbins spends $100 million a year to make you believe there are only 31 flavors.

   Irony is walking into a Hooters and realizing most of the male customers have a "more gifted chest" than the female waitresses.

   It's reassuring knowing my brother is looking down on me, but if he stopped wearing heels I'd be an inch taller than him.

   I show up to one Swingers Party doing a fantastic Vince Vaughn impersonation and nobody wants to invite me back.

   Dad Log Day 3 At Disneyland: Still in line to meet the the Princesses from Frozen. Looks like less than a day wait to go.

   Calling yourself patriotic makes you patriotic the same way calling yourself a neurosurgeon makes you a neurosurgeon....

   Commenting "looking good!" on a hot girl's Instagram photo is the modern day equivalent of a construction worker yelling at a woman.

   Only wishes Twitter gives out verified badges as easy as Tinder has given out STD's.

   We all wish Bond movies should give out a more realistic view of how long it takes valet parking to fetch your car.

   Decorating question: What color paint matches well with dust?

   You wouldn't believe how many bookshelves I've ruined looking for secret passageways.