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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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If not for anything else I'm surprised my future self hasn't come back in time to furiously shake his head at me.
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07-29-2016 15:31
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Overheard this guy say "I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can't hula hoop." Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable....
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07-29-2016 15:33
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First Night Of Vacation: 3 kids woke up crying, 1 kid peed through her clothes, my wife threw up....so it's going better than last year.
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07-29-2016 15:36
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Had to stop the baby from eating garbage four times today, yet she won't touch her baby food. I guess that settles the taste test.
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07-29-2016 15:37
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Vacation Photos 1995: "That's where we watched a breathtaking sunset over the Grand Canyon." Vacation Photos Now: "That's where we caught Pikachu."
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07-29-2016 15:41
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The Stages Of Eating Pizza: 1) I ate way too much. 2) This hurts. Why am I still eating? 3) One more bite & I’ll die. 4) Just 3 more slices....
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07-29-2016 15:43
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In case you wondered what it's like being married with kids, I just told my wife, "You bathe the baby. I'll scrub the poop off the walls."
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07-29-2016 15:44
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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
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07-29-2016 15:45
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I'm 31 years old. I just walked into a telephone pole playing Pokemon Go. My life turned out pretty much exactly like I expected.
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07-29-2016 15:47
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Do most people on Twitter use their real pictures?!?! Heck, I'm watching a cabbage argue about atheism with a cat.
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07-29-2016 15:50
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Friendship Levels: BFF -- Would die for you! Friend -- Helps you move. Acquaintance -- Says hi. Facebook Friend -- Watches you fail from a distance.
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07-29-2016 16:01
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When I die, it will most likely be of embarrassment
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07-29-2016 18:04 by
Aaron
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If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.
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07-29-2016 18:09 by
Aaron
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Instead of 'President' , I think Barack would have been way better in the role of 'The Wiz'
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07-29-2016 21:03
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Stop roasting adults and kids from the 1990's playing Pokemon Go when you are the one who uses Snapchat to turn yourself into a dog.
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07-29-2016 21:52
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Some are mad Bradley Cooper went to DNC after portraying Chris Kyle. I get it, I'm still furious Johnny Depp doesn't travel via pirate ship.
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07-29-2016 21:56
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It's really awkward when you receive a friend request on Facebook from someone you are already friends with. They say they are hacked, but you like the hacker more then you like them.
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07-30-2016 01:56 by
Vaterpop
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My Facebook account is dedicated exclusively to cow facts and food-driven erotica now.
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07-30-2016 05:13
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Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.
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07-30-2016 05:15
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Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.
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07-30-2016 05:17
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