Funny Status Messages

   "Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison."

   If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing with my winnings is hiring Morgan Freeman to read me bedtime stories.

   its Wednesday...How about a mercy hump?

   This vacuum has amazing suction, but no respect for my safe word.

   I am obsessed with Morgan Freeman's voice. I want him to narrate my inner monologue.

   With Ireland having a trouble these days, I say we should come up with a St Pattys Day in December. All profits will go to bail out Ireland!

   wondering about Over under on the WikiLeak punk 'making friends' with his prison cell mate? I'll open the line at 1 month.

   If your on a dating website and didn't post a picture of yourself. It should be mandatory to disclose the amount of teeth you will show up with in you mouth on the first date.

   My vacuum cleaner bag says to change every 30-60 days. Here, I always thought it was 30-60lbs...

   just sharpening a pencil to make a point.

   I'm seeing alot of couple getting joint facebook accounts and call them for example "JohnandJaneDoe". Ah, nothing says love like I don't trust you to have your own facbeook page. So, lets get one together so we can keep tabs on each other Dear.

   see my ex is now on facebook and is married with children. Well one man's trash is another man's recyclable.

   I see my ex is now on facebook and is married with children. Well one man's trash is another man

   Our parents would tell us when they were young they had to walk to school uphill both ways! Nowadays I tell my kids when I was young I used to play outside!

   Dear lunatic boyracer in the souped-up, loud BMW.. If you want to kill yourself by driving like an imbecile on icy roads kindly do this at 4am where you are very unlikely to take an innocent person with you.

   Just got my baby to eat carrots over a boob. I am a heck of a salesman!

   Panhandling is so much easier with a red bucket and a bell.

   I'm about to overdose on Christmas music...

   You're always told to “Wear something bright at night” on the TV and in magazines. Last night when I went to the shop, I wore a white hat, white coat and white trousers – I got hit by a f-kin snow plough!

   People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.