Funny Status Messages

   I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror

   I can’t be what you want. I’m too busy being what I want.

   Do our elected officials even know what their Job Description is? I'm pretty sure it doesn't include ignoring and trashing the Constitution!

   According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I'm OCD.

   Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.

   Today is our 9 years anniversary here. Keep em coming folks

   After this we should all invade Mexico and vote for Justin Bieber. See how they like that.

   Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

   I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

   And in other news, Joe Biden claims that 150 million people have died from gun violence in the U.S. since 2007. I suppose that might explain the low unemployment numbers right now.

   I've decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term 'Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."

   Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around calked Unused Sick Days. Apparently it's very contagious.

   I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!

   Breaking News: U.S. Terror Alert Level is now raised to “Confetti”

   Dear Mr. Chip bag thank you for telling me that 23 peices equal one serving. However, I need clarification on the exact size of your standard chip. Perhaps a life size picture on the bag would help.

   You remind me of those kids in elementary school who would put their mouth against the faucet when drinking out of the water fountain.

   After the Rapture, can I have your car?

   you know your getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping

   Party in my snowfort at 7pm. BYOB, no coolers needed.