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If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing. 
When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Always wanted to be a Starbucks barista, but that takes too many years of college.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.
Don't use alcohol to solve my problems but when I'm drunk I'm an expert at solving yours.
Once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Just a muggle girl living in a muggle world...
....... On behalf of Planet Earth ........ "HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!"
.... Yup ... First Rule of "Church Club" is ...... Save ALL of your yawning until everyone is singing so it looks like you're doing your part.
When I was a kid I thought Independence Day & July 4th was about fireworks & having fun. T'wasn't until I answered the call and fought for her that it was really about Duty - Honor Love of Country but most of all the Love of Freedom...GOD BLESS AMERICA!
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
Seeing your ex is huge is like passing your final exam : You leave in a hurry and you're ecstatic it's over.
Most serious injuries happen on July 4th, so set off your explosives on the day before or the day after.
In my next Life I am coming back with money and looks instead of this sparkling personality crap ....
Be the reason that HR has to send out a memo every 4th of July reminding everyone that fireworks are not allowed in the office
.... Happy 240th Birthday America.
Trying to eat healthy, too lazy to make a smoothie, so just ate the ingredients one by one. Probably shouldn't have washed it down with whiskey.
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