Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just created a Tinder page for my dog and he's already got more right swipes than me.

   LeBron James opted out of his contract but he re-signed for another 8 years of attention whoring.

   I'll acknowledge Canada Day whey they finally acknowledge that's not bacon.

   I owe my kids $4,983 in back allowances.

   United States: High Fructose Corn Syrup.

   The FDA has announced that eating raw cookie dough is really bad for your health. So is telling my girlfriend not to eat raw cookie dough.

   ..... Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears

   ... Former UN President John Ashe “accidentally” crushed his own throat and died coincidentally a week before he was scheduled to testify against Bill and Hillary Clinton. HA ... More like Accidentally on purpose if you ask me!!!

   Tips To Gain My Friendship: 1) Have a cat. 2) Show me photos of your cat. 3) Invite me over to pet your cat. 4) Be a cat. 5) Cat.

   72 Virgins ? I'd be happy with just one right now :)

   Sorry Britain ..... The United States won the "Exit Race" by leaving European control way back on July 4, 1776. However ... let's all celebrate our Independence this Independence Day!

   Once told a girl we should take a "sea otter break" so we can sea otter people. Now she's dating a guy that can actually write a decent pun.

   You're in my thoughts and prayers I reserve for winning the lottery.

   Whoever said "nothing good ever happens at 2 am" clearly never went through a Taco Bell drive-thru and found out the guy also sells weed.

   If you need me I'll be at Home Depot telling all the men what they're doing wrong.

   Call me old fashioned, but leaving a 6 minute drunk voice mail at 3 am is romantic.

   There is no simple household repair that I can't turn into a visit to the ER.

   Judge a coworker not by the color of his skin but by the content, volume, and length of his ring tone.

   Cats get all the single chicks.

   I save all my yawns in church until everyone is singing so it looks like I'm doing my part.