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You're not USELESS I'm just saying that 300 years ago YOU would've been the guy to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn't eat. 
Amazing the things you say you’ll never do again when your head is lying next to a toilet
My boss told me that if I can't show up sober then don't bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
MTV still has VMAs? They don't even play music! The Food Network should hand out awards to top athletes then or something equally as stupid .
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
Just watched a girl choke on her food and this can only mean one thing, she forgot to take a picture of it first and post it on her FB wall.
If getting into heaven is based on how many times you have tried to close the elevator door before someone else gets on, I am screwed.
I just invented a cell phone that looks like a beer can. Now all you idiots can look cool when you take your picture in a mirror
I can’t be what you want. I’m too busy being what I want.
It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.
Twerking is great for working out your legs and daddy issues at the same time
I miss the life I planned in my head.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
One of my greatest joys is watching a kid bite into a salt n' vinegar chip for the very first time.
Your check a$$hole light is on.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo.I'm like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
I'm pretty sure the New Jersey state bird is just a middle finger. 