Funny Status Messages

   Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

   Nobody talks to the hand any more.

   A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

   Speaking of independence, does anyone know how many independence days does Egypt have? I have lost count.

   I make mistakes to further my education.

   I have 3 moods: Skip every song on my iPod, let the music play without interruption, play the same song on repeat for days

   You're not USELESS I'm just saying that 300 years ago YOU would've been the guy to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn't eat.

   Amazing the things you say you’ll never do again when your head is lying next to a toilet

   My boss told me that if I can't show up sober then don't bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!

   MTV still has VMAs? They don't even play music! The Food Network should hand out awards to top athletes then or something equally as stupid .

   Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?

   Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?

   California announced that Marijuana Dispensaries will be closing! Do they realize the dramatic impact this will have on the economy. Sales of Funyons, 7-11 Burritos, Visine, and all other junk food are going to plummet!!!

   Nothing more awkward then being 10 minutes into a porno and realizing there's no girls in it...

   I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.

   Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume...

   Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your a$$hole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

   Day 1. I am thankful that I haven't fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.

   When I go pick up my friends I tell them that 'im here' when I'm 5 minutes away so I'm only waiting 2 minutes in the driveway

   Some of you make me wonder when the psych ward got Internet access.