Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm wondering...did Bruce Jenner get a father's day gift on father's day, a mother's day gift on Mother's day, or gifts on both days? If he gets gifts on both days, then this all makes sense now.

   There is an 87% chance if your wife still sleeps with a stuffed animal you'll end up as the featured story on Dateline at some point.

   "I know a good divorce lawyer" is definitely a wrong thing to say at any wedding. Hmmm now I know.

   99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!

   If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

   Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

   Finally told my parents they’re gay.

   My chore list is cleverly disguised as a Home Depot gift card again this Father's Day.

   The only time I've ever on time to anything is when I'm dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.

   All my 5yo does is pretend to be a horse galloping around and insists I pretend she's a horse. Well, today she broke her leg.

   I want an app to mute nearby people.

   Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".

   I don’t wish there were more hours in the day, but I could use a few more at night.

   My phone has better health insurance than I do.

   In Greek mythology, the half-man half-horse creature would gallop around and shout obscenities so that he could be the centaur of attention.

   My favorite Greek philosopher was Tentacles. His work just grabs me, ya know?

   Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.

   God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.

   For some people freedom is like spring animals seeing the light.