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The most shocking thing about Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) violating his parole by testing positive for oxycodone is that he can afford oxycodone. 
Pro Tip: If you leave your house in a bad mood wearing a blue shirt you will be hired at the Apple store without even applying.
I have the same effect at nude beaches as sharks do at family beaches.
Really worried about how much I'm going to get hit on at the pool this summer now that plus-size is considered sexy.
If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.
I swear, If haters saw me walk on water they would yell out that it was because I didn't know how to swim.
Some 28,000 Terrorist Attacks Worldwide since 9/11 And somehow it's all because we don't have enough gun control in the US!
This baby monitor doesn't have a snooze button...
The problem with this generation boils down to the fact that their cartoons suck. And just knowing this is half the battle of Grayskull.
I wanna complain but I want it to sound hilarious
Vaseline or Neosporin? I need to make a rash decision.
Applied at UPS to be a delivery person. I told them I'm used to driving around in a car with no doors.
Just bought Gawker for a roll of breath mints and two old copies of National Enquirer.
Not to brag or anything but once in 2005 for about three months I was the top friend for three different people on MySpace.
You blast George Michael's "I Want Your Sex" from your car in front of a local Sorority House that one time and suddenly you're "that guy".
In a hotel with thin walls and heard a girl in the next room say "It's better without protection". She must've fired her body guard or something...
Like any great man Tony Danza never said who the boss actually was. He left it up to the viewer to decide.
What happens in the woods stays in the woods, so always keeps a shovel handy.
it normal to be out of breath when eating a Burrito Supreme?
Juice Cleanse Update: I just ate my cat.
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