Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Listen. I love you all and understand you have the right to your ideas and opinions. But I am sick to death of the posts congratulating the Pittsburgh Penguins. Have you no decency?

   Yes your opinions h ere will change the course of history. It will change government policy. It will change world order.

   Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.

   Love ordering from the menu by reading the description, not the item. "Yes, I'll have the two long ground corn tamales stuffed with pork."

   I am sickened by people that put ketchup on mac and cheese.

   Fact: Kids learn so much in school they need the summer to have it all sink in so they don't forget any of it.

   You're only as attractive as getting your photo taken in the middle of a yawn.

   I asked HR for some things to improve my work performance: an adjustable chair, a wrist cushion mousepad, xanax. Pretty standard requests.

   Introduce yourself with a famous last name on the first day of any new job. Go quiet when asked if you're related to a celebrity so they'll be nice to you.

   When my girlfriend and I broke up, she got the bed and I got the coffee machine. So now I don't have a bed and I'm more aware of it now.

   You had me at hello. Then you said "sorry wrong apartment". Come back. You know where I live.

   How To Fit In At Work: Use fancy catch phrases like "at the end of the day."

   We didn't pay attention to each other before phones, we just hid it better...

   Now that Microsoft had bought LinkedIn, you have even more reason to pretend you know Excel.

   Your body expands in the Summer which is why it's important to use weight in the Winter.

   At times I think we have achieved so much as a species, but then I notice that someone has tossed a dirty diaper in a parking lot.

   Microsoft agrees to acquire LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. Which is also the number of email updates users receive daily.

   Get in car, drive to library, park car, enter library, consult encyclopedia, get back in car, drive home. --How we Googled in the 1980's

   Pro Tip: SPF 50 repels anyone over the age of 50.

   4 new elements have been added to the periodic table. Adding to the list of things you won't retain from high school.