Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The Democratic Party presidential race is not yet over, there are still more primaries: Washington, D.C. on June 14th. Gotham City on June 18th. Atlantis on June 22nd. Sim City on June 26th. Mordor on July 1st.

   I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more because I need to meet my FitBit daily goals.

   Pro Tip: 84% of my adult life is singing the chorus from Boyz 2 Men's "I'll Make Love To You" at the most inappropriate time.

   Dating sites remind us how many freaks are living among us.

   "I have explosive diarrhea" can pretty much get you out of any social commitment.

   When I drink too much Red Bull, I feel like I can do algebra.

   My Mom always told me to carry a scissors point upward so if I fall I wouldn't ruin her carpet.

   If you play a Nickelback CD backwards you hear Ozzy laughing at you because you bought a Nickelback CD.

   I've spent one day as a verified account on Facebook and I still haven't gotten laid.

   When someone accuses me of having too many items in the "15 items or less" line, I tell them I'm dyslexic and then they feel bad.

   Throwing out a stale donut today. Please respect my privacy at this very difficult time.

   If you build it they will come is why I don't build anything.

   I love yoga class. Except my yoga class is on my couch with a donut and instead of stretching, I cramp up due to lack of activity.

   Do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- use peppermint oil as a lubricant.

   Seeing happy couples in commericals makes me happy because I know they're just actors and are probably single and depressed like me.

   Pretended to eat dog food so my dog would want to eat. Not only does he still not want to eat, but pretty sure he lost all respect for me.

   There are cartons of milk in my fridge that lasted longer than Paul Ryan.

   I just don't want to look back and think "I could've eaten that'

   .... Hey ... instead of complaining when the fat TSA agent makes you take your shoes off at the airport because of that failed shoe bombing attempt...... Be very grateful ....... because there was also a failed underwear bombing attempt.

   I got an idea for my new company I wana start a company that makes condoms and caskets the slogan would be We always got you covered weather ur cummin or goin