Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   .... The Universe is made up of Protons Neutrons Electrons and Morons.

   Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make .... Then they call me ..... ugly and broke.

   Told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

   A woman looked DEEP into my eyes today, I was feeling it, then she ruined it by saying I needed glasses.

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

   [Enter Password] abc1234 [Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]

   Do people who say "You gotta fight fire with fire" not understand how fire works?

   Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.

   You want to hear me laugh, ask for money.

   If you guys need me I'll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

   Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn't scary enough.

   It's okay, Web MD. I don't really know what's wrong with me either.

   If they replaced the company breathalyzer with a brainalyzer, I'd be the person working alone and everyone else sitting in HR.

   I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

   Someone at work just smiled at me. We don't do that here at Starbucks.

   BREAKING NEWS: Server 404 has been found!!!

   Dude on TV just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor." He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

   There should be a margarita truck that drives around playing mariachi music in the evenings and we can run out with our money like an ice crean truck, but you know with margaritas....

   Last night, I binge watched "The Joy Of Painting" with Bob Ross on the first night Netflix streamed the show.

   It takes about 3.4 seconds for me to go from "this is the best day ever" to "I want to stab every human being on planet Earth."