Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This whole Gorilla thing makes me wonder what kind of thoughtless ignorant parent tries to raise a child in Ohio?

   If you write ohkk or ohk or k for okay, it's possible we won't get along. Okay or OK is okay. Ohkk or k is not okay. Okay?

   kid climbed into the Gorilla exhibit because the Gorilla looked like his jigaboo father

   Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth's water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher.

   I teach a graduate course at a local college, "Plans and How To Get Out of Them"

   Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.

   I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

   My therapist is right, you need help.

   I smothered my first husband with kisses and kept doing it just until the paramedics arrived; then I made it look like I was giving him CPR.

   Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them.

   "How do you find anything in here?!" --My mugger, giving my purse back

   An optimist sees the glass as 1/2 full. A pessimist: 1/2 empty. An optometrist sees the glasses as 1/2 off with the purchase of a 2nd pair.

   I'd have to say the most attractive quality in a man is when he loses interest in me.

   Sometimes I wonder if my dog ever thinks about finding his biological siblings.

   Lame Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, are you Juicy Fruit gum because I thought you were really awesome for about 30 seconds.

   Jeez...You'd think a guy would be flattered waking up to 53 text messages.

   A "clear memory" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a "delete cookies" button, but for my thighs.

   If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."

   Fact: 69% of people will find something dirty in every sentence.

   I'm glad the hackers gained access into my MySpace account. Please send me my pics, I forgot my login information 8 years ago.