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You really can't judge a person based on a single restraining order... 
Pretty sure most 9 month olds are doing 5-Hour Energy shots behind our backs.
Shut up and send her the heart eyes emoji like a God damn man.
Billion Dollar Idea: Girl Scout Nachos.
I need an Instagram filter that makes it look like I went outside.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.
On this Memorial Day let us remember the soldiers that have fallen, not a f@#king gorilla.
I need an Instagram filter that makes me look smart as well as cute.
I don't why they shot that gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo. He was doing a better job at watching that lady's kid than she was.
What's with all these diaper companies.... I have tried three brands so far... The bag clearly says 12 to 14 pounds..... Folks I am here to tell you, not one brand held over 10 pounds before we had to change them.... Talk about a mess!!!!
I have seen so many Smart cars this holiday weekend with out of state plates, I'm assuming there's a clown convention somewhere nearby.
how do people on game of thrones keep addressing multitudes without the aid of a microphone?
Every single time I have fallen into the gorilla cage, the zoo workers shot at me!!!
True STORY Dr. Kellogg introduced Kellogg Corn Flakes in hopes that it would reduce the urge to touch your own happy place. I must be eating them the wrong way.
Fact: The Cincinnati Zoo is not a petting zoo. Please don't get close and personal with the gorillas.
Working out in my basement. So far, no one has hit on me.
Behind every woman is a man looking at other ones.
Tweets on Twitter are actually just brain selfies.
Relationship status: Taken (for granted)
When 100 couples were asked "why did you decide to have kids" the most popular answer was "because we hate our money."
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