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Love yourself. But, not in public. That's illegal. 
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I decided not to vote for President this year because if I am gonna waste my gas then it better be something important like driving to Chick-Fil-A.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Grooming tip: Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I just want a woman that will look out for me while I'm shaking the vending machine....
Fun Fact: You can edit and crop a selfie so that we aren't able to see the cataclysmic disaster of dirty clothes in the background!
it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn't seem to think so.
Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm.
Amazon Prime will deliver food right to my door? GTFO. I may never have to see people again!
Pro Life really just means Pro Being Born... on your own after that.
If marriage counseling is seeing other people over drinks, then I will go to counseling.
Bernie Sanders looks like the guy in disaster movies who knows whats coming but no one listens to cause his hair bad and he keep dropping his papers....
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.
My nipples are so sensitive, they co-wrote "Piece by Piece" by Kelly Clarkson.
Whenever an action movie hero is like "I know someone who can help us, guy owes me a favor" it means he let that guy suck his weenie.
Fact: Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.
Oh no, I'm at that level of airplane drunk where I just almost stood up to go and smoke a cigarette.
I bet Jesus hates it that his birthday and Christmas are on the same day.
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