Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Starting to think that guy in the mirror doesn't like me.

   Crap, I accidentally said Happy Mother's Day to my mother in person instead of writing a paragraph on social media. I feel like such a tool

   ... Just found out the Feds have funded NASA $3 Billion dollars to calculate the inevitable possibility of a Super Massive Black Hole materializing from the increase of growth of Kanye West's ego & Kim Kardashian's Ass!!!

   Frequent outbreaks of Listeria, Salmonella and E.coli are why I limit my diet to chocolate, fries and red wine. It's just healthier.

   Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

   HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they're transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

   Smart dogs sit near the toddler at meal time.

   My brother came over with his two young sons and I had to child-proof the entire house by closing the blinds and not answering the door.

   Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything, just put a cape on their dog.

   The only woman in my life who regularly calls to see if I'm ok works at MasterCard.

   I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.

   Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.

   How to put on deodorant: 1. Apply deodorant. 2. Wait two seconds. 3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant. 4. Reapply deodorant.

   One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

   Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount....

   Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.

   Global warming is caused by people being uncool.

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

   Married sext: you were so good in bed last night... I didn't hear you snore once.

   "Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"