Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Question ... Which Democrat candidate has given up any of their earnings in the name of income inequality? Answer .... Neither .... They are both hypocrites!!!

   I'm going to the Aquarium, do some fishing. . .

   When exactly do young chicks become old hens? Just asking for my wife and her clucking friends.

   I look both ways before crossing a one way street now, that's how little faith I have left in humanity during this presidential election year.

   I'm not exactly sure what went down last night. But I woke up in my bed partially clothed, and found business cards in my pocket from a lawyer, a chirpractor, and the Shriners Women's Auxiliary.

   I've learned to live with a very flexible definition of 'OK.'

   Joined a gym halfway between work and home, just so I'd have a locker to store snacks in.

   When I'm lying on my deathbed, my one big regret will be that I'm lying on my deathbed.

   At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair.

   I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling - I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

   I worry about ridiculous things. You know, how does a guy who drives a snow plough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days.

   When my college daughter sees me again after two months, I worry that her pent-up eyeroll will knock a hole in the space/time continuum.

   Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.

   Health insurance is rare in the exotic dancing industry. Most strippers have little or no coverage.

   My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.

   My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support. Happy Mother's Day!!!

   TIP: Make sure the other person has their hand up before you attempt a fist bump.

   Sometimes I put a “for sale” sign in my neighbor’s yard and pray the power of suggestion works.

   Few indicators of sobriety are as effective as when you realize the escalator you have been riding for 5 minutes is actually a stairway.

   There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.