Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   People who say "May the 4th be with you" are the same people who say "see you next year" at the employee Christmas party.

   Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo: The Feast of the 5 Mayonnaises: Hellmann's-Kraft-Duke's-Blue Plate and Miracle Whip

   Be careful of those 'dream girls' guys. They'll often end as nightmares.

   Ted Cruz kept saying God wanted him to be President, and this is what happened. So either there is no God, or he reeeally doesn't like Ted.

   Irony: Being able to sleep in during vacation yet waking up spontaneously at 6 am and not being able to get back to sleep.

   My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird?!?!

   Marijuana is the gateway drug for you taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.

   Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.

   My service dog refuses to go out of the house without his service squirrel.

   "Welcome to Motel 6, we hope you enjoy your stay, but if not, well, that's okay, too."

   At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die....

   I want a President I can do mushrooms with.

   I hope my cat doesn't want to go as something slutty again for Halloween this year.

   I'm just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens to Taylor Swift.

   I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning...gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

   I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, do I still need a logging permit?

   Forget a Klondike Bar. Ask me what I'd do for a Xanax bar.

   90 per cent of my job as a lawyer is being asked to help a friend of a friend's cousin get out of parking tickets.

   I bet Batman's cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.