Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Here in America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

   This election is just dragging on too long. It's like the world's longest Nicolas Cage movie...

   So does this mean Jay-Z has 100 problems now?

   Just a friendly reminder: Jesus is always watching you.

   Alabama changed the drinking age to 34. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

   Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night. My next poop could spell trouble.

   What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States? We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

   So my drug dealer got me these new shoes. And I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

   Tell a woman she's beautiful, she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat and she'll remember it forever because elephants never forget.

   My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."

   5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

   I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

   Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow....

   If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn't her type, I'd be her type.

   Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM?!?! Luckily, I was up playing my drums.

   "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

   What if Peter Parker had gotten bit by a radioactive squirrel?

   If you're voting for Hilary Raise your hand.....now take that hand and slap your dumbass in the face with it!

   have you ever sat thru an entire light at a intersection cause you were too busy looking at your phone?....me neither

   Rest areas restroom are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.