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Was Berry White? Was Clint Black? Was George Strait? Was Marvin Gay? Sure makes Stevie Wonder!!!
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05-01-2016 15:32
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From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
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05-01-2016 15:37
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Obama's mic drop at the Correspondents' Dinner last night was awesome, but I was disappointed to hear he was at work this morning. Someone should tell him he's doing it wrong.
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05-01-2016 15:58
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.... I'm always amazed at how drinking 2 beers translates into 5 gallons of piss ....
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05-01-2016 16:49
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?.... Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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05-01-2016 20:43 by
snotty
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Pro tip: Fall in love with someone who will treat you how Kanye treats Kanye.
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05-01-2016 20:50 by
snotty
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Rolls down car window... Throws caution to the wind... Goes home,,, Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.
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05-01-2016 20:56 by
snotty
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I'll probably come off as mean when you first meet me, but after you really get to know me you'll find out that I'm actually meaner...
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05-01-2016 22:05 by
eengrms
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Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.
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05-02-2016 06:10
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Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
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05-02-2016 06:12
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Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
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05-02-2016 06:13
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To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
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05-02-2016 06:15
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I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
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05-02-2016 06:20
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Does anyone else need to pee when Elsa sings "Let it Go"?
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05-02-2016 06:21
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When you're so deep in the friend zone that you've met her boyfriend's parents...
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05-02-2016 06:22
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That surprising moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one has made any sandwiches.
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05-02-2016 06:24
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Payday isn't until next week so if you need me I'll be over here eating a bowl of ramen noodles boiled in tears.
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05-02-2016 06:26
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I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently its wrong to yell "SHOTGUN" before boarding a plane.
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05-02-2016 06:28
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All the tellers at my bank are female. That means I could probably rob the place with a spider.
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05-02-2016 06:29
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Red Bull and Vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.
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05-02-2016 06:30
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